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Can your MySQL server do the following?
Are you tired of the limiting stored routines language?
Try the power of MySQL Proxy. You will see an apparently normal MySQL server do all the above, and much more, with the addition of MySQL Proxy, a lightweight application that extends the server features on the fly.
This session shows the most striking examples of what can be achieved with an agile tool and some imagination. It servers as an introduction to MySQL Proxy programming.